Alright, kids? I need no introduction.
But. I like the sound of my own voice (and so do you) so here we go: Ahem, I'm the King of London. I like KFC. I use gold records for target practice. I like a few women, but I like men an awful lot more. I use Tumblr, but I don't own a computer. How do I do it all? I'm God. Leave prayers and questions in my box of ask and I just might be arsed. Or you can come in and just look around at all my shit.
But do us a favor and take off your shoes at the door, I just hoovered the fucking carpets, can't you appreciate anything I do for you????? THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS, LIAM. YOU RUIN IT.
I mean...uh. Damn it, where's the fucking erase button?
Anonymous asked: OH BABY i missed you. how does it feel to be a godlike genius?
Not as good as Pot Noodles!
Or…wait. That’s not right. I mean, not as good as Yorkshire Tea.
No. Not as good as writing a song for Madonna.
Not as good as Liam?
Sorry. None of my scripts are working for this question. NEXT.
(Source: ccc0urtney, via albinopiratestoned420-deactivat)
(Source: bitch-keepsbitching, via runawaytosea)
(Source: heroinchic, via jawnlemon)
Excuse me, you’ve spelled our name wrong.
I’m sad. Andy made us all chocolate milkshakes for dessert. One for me, one for Liam and one for both him and Gem. They have a straw each and are drinking from the same glass. I thought it looked like fun, so I tried to join them, but Gem said no. When I asked why he mumbled something about he and Andy needing some “special alone time.” What does that even mean. Now they’re just staring at each other and pretending I don’t exist. Le sigh. “I am human and I need to be loved just like everybody else who shares a chocolate milkshake does.” Oh, Morrissey. You cut me to the core :(
Here’s a picture I took of Liam during our family Christmas panto last year. Naturally, there wasn’t a part in the show for a fairy princess, but he came down the stairs in the costume after he’d made it by hand and then wore it for sixteen days straight, threatening to never take it off, so finally we all gave up and wrote him into the show. Believe me, you would have done the same. The sixteen day stench was worse than the smell of the Irremovable Parka Tour 2009.
thominator-deactivated20111001 asked: SHITBAG
I’M TELLING GEM. YOU’RE GONNA BE IN SOOO MUCH TROUBLE. GUESS WHO’LL BE CLEANING THE BATHROOMS NEXT TIME, POTTYMOUTH?!
